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"Practice Makes Perfect"

20 January, 2012


Filed under: Jokes — csa1 @ 13:48


I am non-violent/just kidding! 

If you know how a fight starts, you will be on your guards and able to avoid it. 


One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift…

         The next  year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked  me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have  the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said,  ”Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight  started…..


My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging* his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know  him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My  God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And then the fight  started…

*swig:  drink in large gulps.


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of  a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
grass, busily snipping* away with a tiny  pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…


Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would  be bad all day.

I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The  weather out there is

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.

I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, ‘You should have  dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..


I rear-ended* a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’

So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.

*rear-end : emboutir l’arrière
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’
And they say blondes are dumb….
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——-

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
———— ——— ——-

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———— ——— ——— ———

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor ————

——— ——— ——— —-

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
———— ——— ——— ——— -

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———— ——— ——— ———
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
———— ——— ——— ——— -

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
———— ——— ——— ———

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world…

Then He made the earth round.


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